


Forgiveness

by alyblack



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Afterlife, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Finding Peace, Ghost Train Station, Headcanon, I love Severus Snape, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, No Romance, Open to Interpretation, Other, Peace, RIP Alan Rickman, Redemption, Severus Snape Angst, Severus Snape Dies, lots of talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 00:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10887771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyblack/pseuds/alyblack
Summary: As he waited for the train to arrive to pick him up, Severus thought back at all the times he had cried during his life; he used to cry all the time when he was younger and his father would hurt his mother, he cried a few times during school, he cried the hardest holding Lily’s body and he was crying when he died.On the last time Severus cried he had been dead for a couple of hours.





	Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly something that was bottled up for a long time. I just have all these Snape feelings and I needed to express them. So, here it is. I hope you like it! xoxoxo

          He had never considered death as a milestone he would eventually cross; it had always been a constant possibility ever since he chose a side. So, for the past decades of his life, being alive was only a precarious situation in which he would often find himself. That was over now, so it seemed. If the white room was anything to go by. He didn’t consider himself to be a religious man, the tales of Merlin and the old gods had always sound like futile beliefs. Especially when he had been around true power and true evil for most of his adult life.

          Still, he felt prepared for whatever was about to come through those doors. The resignation in his mind had been made during the last few moments of breath, looking at Harry Potter and being swiped gently into the other side of the veil with an odd sensation in his chest. There was no redemption and there was no forgiveness; within green eyes there was only Lily.

          Memories of ginger hair flooded his mind and for the briefest of the seconds it had been like his whole world was frozen in place, bringing him back to the earlier days of childhood, when he was still trying to impress a girl with a dent-de-lion. Before his heart turned dark, twisted with rooted feelings of inadequacy; the deep fear of not being good enough, not doing enough, not trying enough. Before he made all the wrong choices.

          Regret wasn’t something Severus thought about often while he was alive; in his days, there was little time to dwell on the heavy recollections of the past. Being filled with sentimental memories could be the difference between living to fight another day or not. He had shoved it all away; his attempts to suppress the hurt, the sorrow and the slow loss of his sanity hadn’t always been successful.

          Harry Potter was a perfect example of his masks slipping. It wasn’t hate and it wasn’t longing that made Potter into the escape route of his tormented feelings; when he looked at the boy, he barely thought about James, he barely thought about what could’ve been or should’ve been. All he thought was how proud Lily would’ve been of her son. The desire in his heart was to preserve the child of the woman he had once loved.

         Had there been an alternative to his role as a spy, maybe things would’ve worked out better. However, years of putting his soul on the edge of falling and getting lost forever had taken something out of him. Even if he wanted, he could never reach back into the potential of the person he almost became. There was just bitterness and a sparkle of goodwill, everything so unstable inside his head that he just couldn’t turn it off.

           So, he had tormented Lily’s son because it was easier. It was easier on the boy if he hated him, it was easier to convince the Dark Lord if hate was all there was and it was easier on himself not to try. Even now, on the gates of somewhere beyond, he still wasn’t capable of finding regret in his heart. He carried his sins in his skin and they served to remind him of the costs of his choices and what he had lost along the way.

          Detachment was all he knew. A kind word slipping passed his lips would burn its way out. He was a damaged man and he wasn’t hoping for redemption. There was no redeeming the things he had done. There was only a debt to be paid for them; and he had paid, with his time, his soul, his life. If he had anything else to give, he would’ve gladly done so.

           As he waited for the train to arrive to pick him up, Severus thought back at all the times he had cried during his life; he used to cry all the time when he was younger and his father would hurt his mother, he cried a few times during school, he cried the hardest holding Lily’s body and he was crying when he died. Those last tears were resting into a tiny glassy bottle waiting to reveal all his secrets; one final act of rebellion against both his masters.

           On the last time Severus cried he had been dead for a couple of hours. Sitting at the train station waiting to be let out, he looked up from the white floor to find himself staring at layers and layers of infinite ginger hair. Green eyes pierced through the very core of his soul and he was left gaping at the sight of Lilian Evans standing in front of him as if not a day had gone by since he had seen her last.

            He considered if he had been already sentenced to hell and this was how he was destined to pass the rest of eternity; perhaps his hell would be Lily screaming at him for all times, blaming him for her death, pointing out his fault into everything bad that had ever happened to her and her family. He thought he deserved nothing else and he gladly made peace with his fate. Deep down he was simply too thrilled to look at her again to even care.

           If there was a choice, he would prefer to relive these days of punishment repeatedly until he was ready to carve his heart out in agony than going back, anything was worse than not seeing her. There, he was ready to suffer; as he had done in life and as he felt he was due, which made her soft smile even more terrifying.

            “Hello, Severus.”

            “Why are you here? Is this hell?”

            She laughed, collecting herself to sit next to him on the wide wooden bench. He was still looking at the now empty space she once occupied. There was a frown of worry in his forehead, as if he feared she might disappear at any second.

           “Well, is this what you imagine hell would be like?”

           “I never pictured hell.”

           “I guess your life was already enough without the symbology?” – The softness had left her, leaving only a heavier tone in the air. She sighed sheepishly before continuing. – “I am sorry you had to go through all of this.”

            “You are sorry?” – He chocked a breath down. If he wasn’t facing her before, now he only wanted to bury himself down the concrete of the floor. – “You are dead because of me. Your son grew up without you because of me.”

            “My son is alive because of you. Thank you.” – There was only silence for a couple of moments. Lily got to her feet in a bolt of energy, she smiled again as she offered Severus her hand. – “Let’s take a walk.”

            He looked around for a little while, thinking that there was nowhere to go inside the white place which seemed to have no beginning and no end, but he decided to follow her anyway. They walked side by side without talking. In his mind, he counted down the minutes until he was certain they had been walking for the better part of an hour without ever reaching anywhere.

            “Why are you here? Where am I going after?” – He asked finally.

            “Well, I guess that depends on you. There’s no going back, though. I am sorry. But whether you move on to find your peace or not, well… That’s entirely up to you.” 

            “I didn’t think bad men deserved peace.”

            “If anyone deserves peace… It’s you. Besides, you are not a bad man.”

            Honestly, at this point he would prefer if she was attacking him. That he could’ve handled. The kindness and the gentle treatment he was receiving made him feel like the lesser of the men. He was only half sure this was happening inside his hallucinating mind and yet it felt like the absolute truth.

            “You’ve done bad things, but you are not a bad man, Severus. Bad men don’t love like you loved me, do they? They don’t sacrifice a lifetime to help others and they don’t protect children with their own lives.” – His snort of disagreement didn’t stop her from continuing, but it stopped her walking long enough so she could turn to look at him. – “You did that. You protected Harry. You protected Draco. You protected an entire school filled with children who didn’t like you. Would bad men do that? Would Voldemort do that?”

            “I killed you.”

            “In a way. You have. I didn’t say you were a saint, you have made mistakes with horrible consequences, yes. But you have also spent the rest of your life making up for it.”

            “I tormented your son. I killed Dumbledore. I killed thousands of muggles. I have done things… Things that are unspeakable.”

           “The world isn’t black and white, Severus. The others, they have been at war for what? A year? Two? Have you ever had a day in your life that wasn’t a constant war? Dumbledore asked you to play a part, a part where you would be hated, where you would do things nobody would ever excuse, things that would leave a fire scar in your soul. You accepted. It was a lifelong part and its finally over. It’s time to let it go. If you can.”

            “Why are you here, Lily? This is all useless. This isn’t happening and if it is, I am sure it’s just another way to torment me.”

            “If I am here it’s because you wanted me to be here.”

            “Why?”

            “Maybe you wanted to be forgiven. I forgave you.”

            “You are not serious. Even if you were, this is just my consciousness searching for pardon for my crimes.”

            “Does it matter if that’s true or not? If even your brain is trying to tell you to forgive yourself, why are you fighting this so hard?”

            He wanted to scream. He also wanted to believe her desperately. He wanted her to be really there, to be really offering an excuse for his sins.  He wanted there to be a life after all this in which she was happy, reunited with her family and the man with which she chose to spend her life, a place where she would find Harry someday. If that was the case, he knew that that was a place in which he didn’t belong.

            “I don’t require forgiveness. I just want to be left alone.”

            “Your trains are almost here.”

            “Trains?”

            “Well, yes. You must choose one. There are two, going different directions. Whatever happens, you should be in one before they disappear.”

            “Where are they going?”

            “I can’t tell you. I am sorry.”

            “How am I supposed to know which one to pick if I don’t know where they are going?”

            “You just know.” – She glanced at the big clock hanging above them. Severus followed her look, but he couldn’t identity the hour. The numbers were scattered in an unknown pattern and it didn’t make sense to him. As if by magic, two big trains appeared. One on each side of the tracks and pointing to different directions. – “There they are. I must be going. I need to let you decide.”

            “Wait… Lily… I...” – Suddenly, he was at loss of words. He had gotten a second chance of seeing her again and saying all the things he had left unsaid, but now it was as if the phrases refused to leave. He had too much to say and was managing nothing. – “Will I ever see you again? Regardless of the train I pick?”

            “I guess you will just have to hop on a train and find out.” – Her smile could’ve burned down the world. Her hand came to rest on his shoulders, as he felt himself shrink down to half a centimeter. – “You are running out of time.”

            “Just one more thing… Are you... Happy? Wherever it is that you are? Are you happy?”

            If he only knew that she was okay. Maybe then he could be okay too. She laughed.

            “Yes. I am. We have a very good pecan pie. Remember those?”

            And just like that, she was gone. He had no idea if she would ever be this close again. When he looked up at the clock again the numbers fell into place. It was almost nine. He looked at the trains and sighed, starting to walk back to boarding. Lily’s face and eyes were burning fresh in the back of his mind and her words resonating sweetly like a symphony. Forgiveness. He walked faster towards the trains. Without second guessing, he entered the left car. Briefly, he wondered where it was going, but somehow he figured it didn’t matter. He chose a seat and found himself staring at the green wallpaper. This time, within the green there was only peace, before the bright lights blinded him and the locomotive started moving with a heavy thud. This time, when Severus Snape cried, it was the last.

          


End file.
